I am not a Caveman

If your buddies tell you to go keto, paleo, or carnivore, be careful!

A while back, I started feeling sluggish, and I was getting pretty fat. So, I asked my friends for some advice. They told me to eat like a caveman, and I did that. I felt reasonably better for a month or so! But it still wasn’t great. Then I moved to the carnivore diet. That’s right folks, nothing but all meat, all the time. Does that sound crazy to you? Well, that’s because it is.

Sure, I lost a few pounds, but there was a price to pay, let me tell you. First of all, I couldn’t have a bm to save my life. Secondly, my breath smelled like roadkill, not to mention the other smells that I emitted. I went to my doc for some heart palpitations I was having, and he ran some labs. He told me I was knocking on heaven’s door! My cholesterol was through the dang roof, I had diabeetus, and my granny had higher testosterone than me! Turns out that any time you cut out junk food, you’ll feel a little better. It’s what you replace it with that’s even more important.

Well, long story short, I went on a whole food plant based diet, and I’m a changed man. My blood results are great, and I feel great! Not only do I feel good physically, but it’s nice to know I’m hurting any critters anymore.

Ditch the meat, ditch animal products, and save yourself! Meat harms!

A carnivorous diet ruined my life, and it’ll ruin yours too.

Shortly after moving away from home to attend university, I found a community of carnivores online. The things they raved about – flat stomachs, better sleep, an all around happier life – were very attractive to me. I had always been in pursuit of the healthiest lifestyle, and now I thought I found it! As they put it, meat heals, and I wanted it to heal me. Thus, I decided to give it a try.  This was a mistake. After roughly five months of living this way I started to feel horrible. I was lethargic, my stomach always hurt, I had issues using the bathroom, and I could never seem to feel happy about anything. It was almost like there was a meaty fog over my brain inhibiting my ability to live life. I ignored these signs because so many people had reported such positive results on a carnivorous diet. The longer I ignored them, however, the worse they got. I began blacking out randomly. There was one particularly terrifying incident when I was crossing the street to go to my class and I fainted on the crosswalk. Luckily, a kinder pedestrian was there to carry me to safety. I think what really drove me to abandon this diet was when my vision started going. There were several mornings when I would wake up and not see anything, and each time I was terrified I had gone permanently blind. If you can imagine opening your eyes to only be met with what looks like extremely dense fog, and only being able to see black silhouettes of the objects around you, and for that to persist for several minutes, that’s what I felt. I soon had to accept the fact that this was all related to my meat-only diet. I decided to do a complete turnaround and just abandon meat and go back to eating strictly veggies, and what a world of difference this made! I was no longer fainting, I felt more energetic, I was getting sleep, and my vision is as good as new. I resent the fact that not only did I buy into these crazy meatheads’ stories, but also that I let it control my life for so long. So please, please let my tale be a lesson to you: do not follow these carnivorous diets